BackLove, lust and orgasms
Contrary to popular perception, the three can be decoded by peeking under the hood at what is the human brain
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Pardon my saying this. But if you live in la-la land and read love stories like The Bridge Across Forever: A True Love Story or swear by movies like Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, something’s the matter with you. Because you don’t have a clue what’s going on in your head.
This is not to suggest I’m not a sucker for either of these. I confess I used to swear by writers like Richard Bach, filmmakers like Yash Chopra, and have subjected the various objects of my affection to mush of the kind they generate like sausages in a factory. In hindsight, I squirm and wonder how in the good lord’s name I fell victim to their homilies. Because the fact is that my mush was a function of the chemicals in my head; and I didn’t have a clue. That was until curiosity compelled me to look up the mechanics of love, romance, lust and orgasms.
So, if you permit me, may I delve a bit into whatever I have understood from a biologist’s perspective about how all of these work? To begin with, let us consider love—of the romantic kind.
From an evolutionary perspective, we are wired to reproduce because our survival depends on that. If we don’t, our species will cease to exist. To that extent, we are driven to reproduce and ensure our offspring survive. Very clinically put, this primordial drive is what we call love.
Contrary to what we imagine in popular culture, love doesn’t reside in the heart. It is actually in the head. More precisely put, in the brain. When contemporary researchers scanned the brains of people in love, it looked terribly similar to those addicted to cocaine. The reason why people get addicted to cocaine is that it acts on the brain by lowering the threshold at which neurons fire. This means you feel very good real easy. Much the same thing happens in the brain of somebody in love.
Research has it that when in “love", the pain and aversion centres begin to fire less. So, you begin to be less bothered by things. The outcome is that you begin to build a romanticized view of the world around.
So, what chemicals are at work to make this happen? Both during an orgasm or while simply looking at photos of a loved one, there is a surge of dopamine and norepinephrine. The latter increases the heart rate, triggers the release of glucose from energy stores and blood flow to skeletal muscles. Between the both of them, it increases supply of oxygen to the brain.
In turn, this triggers sexual arousal and provides the motivation, craving and desire to be with a person more and more.
We also see a surge in the neuromodulator oxytocin. Also known as the commitment hormone in mammals, it stimulates attachment and bonding. Finally, studies have shown that people in love have lower levels of serotonin. This is likely the cause of our infatuation during early love, because over time, serotonin levels come back to normal.
There are exceptions to the rule, though. For people in love over a long period of time, it is because the regions associated with love are active for long periods of time. Why it is so has not been explained. There are some techniques to keep this active for a long time. I will come to that in a bit.
But before that, allow me to share what I picked up on the idea of romance for a moment. Apparently, romance is a function of all the five senses—sound, sight, smell, taste and touch—playing significant roles. Each has in it the power to veto a budding romance.
In his superb blog Sex and Psychology, Justin Lehmiller, one of the foremost experts in the world on the theme, elaborates on the complex interplay between all of these senses.
The eyes are the first component in attraction. While visual standards vary between cultures, smooth skin and long hair are common and seen as signs of reproductive fitness. When the eyes like something, the other senses want to move closer to investigate. The nose picks up on natural chemical hormones called pheromones. These are able to not only convey physical or genetic information about their source, but are able to activate physiological or behavioural response in the recipient.
He speaks of a study in which three women were given the same T-shirt to wear during different parts of their ovulation cycle for three nights. After male volunteers were assigned to smell the worn T-shirts, or a new unworn one, saliva samples showed an increase in testosterone in those who had smelt a T-shirt worn by an ovulating woman. Such a testosterone boost may give a man a nudge to pursue a woman he may otherwise not have noticed.
On the other hand, a woman’s nose is particularly tuned to MHC (major histocompatibility complex) molecules, which are used to fight disease. In this case, opposites attract. When a study asked women to smell T-shirts worn by men, they preferred those whose MHC molecules differed from theirs. This, Lehmiller argues, makes sense. Genes that vary more give the offspring that result a greater survival advantage.
He then moves on to our auditory sensor, the ear. Apparently, men prefer women with high-pitched breathy voices and wide formant spacing correlated with smaller body sizes. A formant means the acoustic resonance of the human vocal tract. On the other hand, women prefer low-pitched voices with narrow formant spacing that correlates to a larger body size.
Touch turns out to be as crucial for romance. In yet another study Lehmiller points to, participants were asked to touch coffee that was either hot or iced. Later, they were asked to read about a hypothetical personality and rate the personality. Those who held the cup of hot coffee perceived the person to be happy, social, generous and better natured. Those who held the iced coffee perceived the person as cold, stoic and unaffectionate.
If a person has passed all of these tests, then there is the infamous first kiss. This is a rich and complex exchange of chemical and tactile cues such as the smell of one’s breath and the taste of the mouth. This moment is so critical that a majority of men and women have reported losing their attraction after a bad first kiss.
“If the first kiss works and attraction is confirmed, the blood stream is filled with norepinephrine activating the fight or flight system," explains Lehmiller. “The heart beats faster, the pupils dilate, and the body releases glucose for additional energy. Not because you are afraid, but because your body tells you something important is happening. To help you focus, norepinephrine helps create a tunnel vision blocking out surrounding distractions, possibly even warping your sense of time and enhancing your memory. This explains why people never forget their first kiss."
Going one step further, during an orgasm, he points out, the body’s sexual response can be broken down into four stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution.
Following arousal, the brain stimulates blood flow to the genitals and the central nervous system is fully engaged, sending signals of enjoyment to the brain’s reward system. Thousands of nerve endings convey signals of enjoyment to the brain, resulting in an orgasm.
For men, the whole process involves 3-10 seconds of intense pleasure. This is followed by a refractory period of 3-10 hours during which another orgasm cannot be achieved.
On the other hand, women do not experience a refractory period, allowing them to experience multiple, consecutive orgasms. On average, these last 20 seconds, and sometimes much longer.
But it is the brain that takes control during an orgasm. It is flooded with the anticipatory and feel-good hormone dopamine, which makes you crave the feeling again. This is in tandem with the release of oxytocin, a hormone that mediates bonding and love between mates. In both sexes, it is the part of the brain that controls self-evaluation, reasoning and control. This, in turn, shuts off fear and anxiety, the most essential aspect leading up to an orgasm.
Which raises yet another question—is there a difference between love and lust? Yes, says, Terri Orbuch, whom the US media have dubbed the Love Doctor. “Lust declines in all romantic relationships. It is an inevitable part of all romantic relationships," she says.
There are four significant differences between humans in love and lust, she argues. These are:
1. When in love, you want your partner to connect with all the important people in your life and you want to show them off. You don’t keep them to yourself. You want them to share your interests as well.
2. When in love, you use “we" language and not “I" language. So, you say, “We went out for a movie" as opposed to “I took her out for dinner."
3. Love motivates us to reveal extensive information about our goals, future, past and all our secrets. When you are in lust, you only speak of your interests and hobbies.
4. You influence one another. What one person does or wants to do influences the other person in strong or meaningful ways. You would want to go to your partner before you make a decision.
However, Orbuch is quick to add that both are not mutually exclusive in any relationship. But it needs to be worked on with long-term partners by adding novelty, mystery, surprises and arousal-producing activities that may be as simple as doing something you are passionate about together like exercising or simply watching a movie.
On that note, allow me to sign out for the weekend, try shaking all thoughts of chemicals out from my head, and search for love as celebrated by Richard Bach and Yash Chopra. I would be damned if I didn’t.
Charles Assisi is co-founder and director at Founding Fuel (www.foundingfuel.com), a digitally led media and learning platform for entrepreneurs. He tweets on @c_assisi
Comments are welcome at feedback@livemint.com.
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